| fare thee well |
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OKAY! it's confirmed and cleaned up with a temporary theme (until i'm done with assignments), havent added any columns for links or tweets. SEE YOU THERE.
this is it! goodbye beloved blogger. you have been an important part of my life the last 5 years, moving to new blogs for up to 9 times, from coming to you while i was ill and in pieces, to relapses, to getting better, whole and healed. you know alot about my life (but my diaryland knows more secrets sorry). well thank you anyway. hahahaha.
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for several months yat has been trying to get me to leave blogger and join him in tumblr. and as you all know i move only after...a massive relapse is ending. then he said, "maybe for a change you should move because good stuff's been happening, and life's better now" lol. anyway i know this whole moving for bad/good excuses are obviously delusional and crappy (its always a cycle), its just that it has become quite a habit. i still sayang this blog cause its only a few months old. and i've really come to like blogger. very user friendly, plus i'm not really into the multifunction thing in tumblr. lol. but you never know..i had the same lot of excuses 4 yrs ago when i was still pro-diaryland and against blogger (too much hype) then yat got me into blogger back then haha. so..yes this is my final post. :) here's a last proper update.. had the best time of my life yesterday..and yes we cancelled the beach plan for the 129057206th time. we have only used the card once since we applied for it! and before we got it, we go to the beach almost every weekend! now its been almost 6months (i think)! this is all coffeebean's fault for taking away pure chocolate from their menu and replacing it with doublechoc (bitter). started the day doing something else that was more..fun. lol. anyway then we went shopping, ate heavenly creamchics pasta, chillout at starbucks, and the rest of the day was basically laughing till i teared and talking cock about every single thing that passed by. my bf is my homie <3>parents off to batam today for massive shopping so actually the plan was to have a quick meetup for late lunch..but i woke up with a racing heart, detaching limbs and excruciating hormonal tugofwar. took a long shower, tried to collect myself but eventually decided to cancel the plan when i realized i couldnt even move from my room to the kitchen. but eventually trudged over to make a hot drink, took my heavy pills that refused to work this time, and i couldnt even put sugar in my cup without splattering it all over because my whole body was shaking like i was some crackhead in rehab, and the world was spinning. i felt so bloody drugged and my stomach felt worse (like an overdose..not nice) and my hands and feet were completely numbed, i was sweating like a horse (do they sweat? im sure all animals do, right? haha) and finally gave up. pulled myself to my room and painfully collapsed to the floor, dialled my sister's number and managed to speak, asking her to come over (at this point i couldnt even see, i was shit close to blacking out and i couldnt even hold on to the phone, had to use speaker) and cried in unbearable pain after hanging up. called yat and he was supposed to go to the airport to send some relatives off but he cabbed over all the way from tampy. had about 7times of e throwing-up with my empty stomach in the living room (FREAKING AWFUL) and my eyes were already welled up with hot tears, my mouth was dry, i was rolling around for like 2 hours (pretty short this time) and it felt like my soul was at the tips of my fingers and toes. yat made me a glass of therapeutic tea and massaged my back successfully without me having squirmy spasms or giving him an upper-cut out of reflex (finally!). i also requested for more painkillers hahaha. some time later my sister arrived with lunch and some asam drink her maid did for me but...one look at it and i'd rather have another 3 hours worth of uterotubal war than to come 10m close to that stuff. but thanks hahaha and it was really nice of her to go all the way to bpp and back to get something very important for me, before heading to her inlaws'. thank you :) and thanks me hearty for spending pretty much on cab fare travelling one end to another quite often lately. thanks for wanting to cook and all that stuff too hahaha <3 on other news, i dont know if what i'm doing is right. maybe its selfish but i'm not ending anything. i'm just..trying to clean up once and for all. keeping a lot of things at an arm's length and keeping all other emotions to my world and nothing beyond that. its like keeping all the water for a piece of land thats been so dried up for the last thousand years. theres a lot of work that needs to be done. its now or never..i need to start being kind to myself. quote of the day: you shouldnt mix your meds...you'll end up (like MJ), hooked on painkillers -yat and my sister
  definition of "senyum kambing"
 <3
 he puts a smile on my face and heart
taking a photo of yat in a suit is like taking a pic of a shooting star haha <3 ps: i love you my darling pps: school starts tomorrow :( ppps: will update this post with the blog addr once i've confirmed the move to tumblr.
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| yammie ♥ 10:56 PM
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| what 7 months of bumming does to you |
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i'm fat now. the worst part is, i'm still pretty skinny but fat seems to be taking perm spot in my stomach and refuses to get metabolized or spread to the rest of the body so i could at least be more proportionate. shall do some situps tonight (yeah right as if a tiny bit of workout gets rid of my fat stomach overnight)
i got a new rs pickup despite being broke as f. quite sad that i missed the c&c (womens)..i also missed the dmp aj1 pack, metallics, the purple teal skylows, the reptile one (just out) but broke. i'm praying so hard i get a job before august cause the true blues are out in august! !@%$!@%$^
anyway when i have my own car i'd like to have this . heaheaheaehehe damn idiotic.
met yat today once he was done with work and we went to town where i also spent ten hours in kino (thank you for your patience. you know what happens to me when i go to book stores). will be chilling at e beach tomorrow (finally making use of our card) cant wait.
 mulut kecil <3
 "suckkk it innn mannnnnnnn!! lol" -yat
 ananas chicken chop rice with thai sauce is damn nice (and its just 3bucks).
fallen pretty deep. <3
ps: yat's got a nailclipper in his bag. |
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| yammie ♥ 1:49 AM
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| <3 |
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despite the recent series of such unfortunate events and the lack of luck,
i'm really happy. and today's no exception,
just that i think i've turned to plasma tonight
gonna sleep with a huge smile on my face
thank you
cant wait for tomorrow..and tomorrow's tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow.
ps: new time table is really screwed. i feel like burning down blk 50 and 51.
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| yammie ♥ 1:25 AM
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| today |
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super crap day today. but actually eversince i got home ive been feeling a lot better. thanks to lunch and some reruns of Friends that yat and i have been catching up on recently.
woke up at 7am with a storm raging outside...almost impossible to get out of bed. finally got up again at 7.30 cause my nephew's alarm was ringing from his watch (at 7.30am??!)..he tucks himself next to me in the mornings when my mum sends his brother off to school. cause he's probably scared of being alone.
ok well he's actually not that bad. when he's not with the brat brother.
anyway it must be the waking up in the middle of such comforting whether that shut my brain down...there was a lot of unneccessary travelling around, like taking a bus to bugis and spending 10 bucks on cab to safra? and then taking train from harbour front to outram and then to aljunied instead of hopping on 80 straight to aljunied. and then taking train from raffles to dhoby ghaut instead of city hall where i can take 960 home, so from dhoby ghaut i took 190 further down to chijmes to take the 960 home. and most of all i dont know wtf i was thinking applying to another lawfirm. went for an interview and i almost killed them. AND THEY WERENT EVEN LAWYERS. the one at safra was pretty tense, also had to do some essay. anyway. god knows where my luck lies but im honestly tired and frustrated. ive a strong feeling i might end up diving into something really crazy (unfortunately not he army. i think?)
anyway dropped by yat's office for lunch in between my two interviews, it didnt even lasted an hour but it was good fun. just the shot of happy hormones i needed. <3
anyway last night before we went to sleep, he smsed me something that completely failed me as a woman (again). he defeated the power of my fury at the peak of my pms (2nd time in 2 months) i wish i could tell you what it was but it would really be...embarrassing. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
well i hope it rains the whole day tomorrow.
ps: cant wait for weekend i really hope everything goes well |
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| yammie ♥ 8:46 PM
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| this machine will not communicate |
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edit//
look, i really dont care anymore
whatever that i say or do, its simply out of me being me when facing people in such situations
so its not really because i truly feel like this means something to me so im being real nice
because it doesnt
i really dont care because i simply cant anymore
the last time i cared for such things, i get trampled over not once but countless times and by the people i least expected to and over time i think theres nothing left in me that feels anything or treasures anything of this sort
theres no part of me that says its safe to trust anything or anyone
so dont make it sound like everything has so much worth and everything's so special.
dont kid yourself, they arent. and everything's just gonna fade off, grow old and die eventually
so if you want to hate, carry on. if you want to leave, go ahead. you wanna be here? great. dont linger. dont shut down on me as and when you please, and then suddenly, you thank god i'm your saviour or something. once you go, dont ever come back.
this applies to you you you and you and you too, because you're all the fuckin same.
and as for you
i apologize for actually plucking up all that courage to try get hold of something that i thought would completely blow you away on ur big day
and have you actually tell me to stop because you assume i was planning to do something that would really humiliate you (even before you even know what the fuck it was. which really didnt matter, now that i see it)
oh, right. of course i would want to embarrass you. right? RIGHT?
of course i would do something that would totally make you feel like you have your privates exposed, by doing something like, perhaps revealing to the world this (suddenly) embarrassing interest?
right, i would really enjoy doing that on your biggest day.
YOURS. of all the people thats left.
the way you reacted was like a slap across my face
and its not even the real thing that i passed to you
but thank god i know now, how i would make a total fool of myself, more than you think it wouldve been for you, had i actually save it all for the real day.
have a long crap day waiting tomorrow
2 interviews at 2 crappy locations
goodnight
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it barks at no one else but me
Like it's seen a ghost
I guess it seen the sparks a-flowing
No one else would know
Hey man slow down, slow down
Idiot, slow down, slow down
Sometimes I get overcharged
That's when you see sparks
You ask me where the hell I'm going
At a thousand feet per second
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| yammie ♥ 8:32 PM
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| backdrifting |
| more in lacedhalves |
| skipping gloomy sunday |
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long post, obviously, but not really babbling-on-aimlessly type. (i think)
well well! i skipped the saturday morning appointment and managed to get my mum to let me off to sarah's bday party! supposedly i cant go out (cause well im not allowed to -_- esp on days when my dad's working) and that the plan was to chill at his place on sunday instead, which i dont usually prefer..because..its set aside for family time..or well, basically some time for ourselves (which i have in overdose, so at least i should try to let him have some)
anyway it was a blast. get to spend time with yat and there was plenty of food, and i learnt something new today too about human behaviour. someday i will look into it.
surprisingly i had an unbelievable time playing oldschool games with yat + the kids (but just the twins, mik, and irfan..whom i believe is so different now, probably just stepped into the first phase of adolescence). most importantly they were all on my side when yat and i started gunning (wrenched the Nerf gun out of his hands and counter attacked, with all of them pinning him down to the corner of the bed while i try to shoot him with whatever rounds ive got. such young, sadistic kids) anyway twas FUCKING COOL I SHOULDVE BROUGHT MY RIFLE. its an odd feeling i get sometimes when i find myself getting along with kids. i used to be fantastic at it...until i had nephews staying with me and being pampered to the core by my parents (that i became forgotten)
anyway i must thank yat for the miracle today. most of all for lifting my spirits up, when i need it most!
i also met an old madrasah friend, who's a year my senior. she's yat's cousin, and..that tiny piece of news (of being former acquaintances) caused such a hoohaa that her dad whom yat and i call "pakcik represent" (since he usually leads in kenduri...and more i suppose) actually got up from his seat and kind of walked a distance to me, where i was putting on my kicks to go home, and asked "AWAK KENAL ANAK SAYA?". i felt like the president just spoke to me and bashfully i answered yes. then he asked how, so i said "Aljunied" and suddenly all at once everyone was echoing each other about how hajar and i knew each other long ago and in some ways we were all connected before we knew each other.
lastly, having seen the massive developments in tampy, maybe i might buy a house in the east someday. its got basically all i'd ever need. from supermarkets and the gargantuan ikea,giant,courts, several massive malls with eateries that west never had (PATSSSSSSSSS) and beaches, parks, skate parks. maybe i'll find a house that has a nice view, non infested, and interesting. ive lived here in bp all my life and all that i love about it is how that bustop in front of my flat has buses with routes that allow me to get to ANYWHERE I WANT. which makes me feel pampered, and i dont usually watch the road when im in the bus so i grew up to be streetstupid hahahaha. theres actually not that great number of malays too, its pretty quiet usually, and pasar malams dont occur that frequently. i dont know if its good or bad, i dont care, but one thing i know is for the last 23 years, ive never explored my estate due to curfews. it had always been school and home back and forth. i was given a little more freedom only when i was in sec 3 or 4, even then, strict early curfews. i was only given the freedom to be home at 11 when i was in poly cause tp was at the other end of the world (used to take advantage of that).
anyway now that im not schooling at the end of the world anymore, my curfews are back. SIGHHHHHHHHH.
this is a long post. i feel sorry for you if you've read all that redundant catharsis, but thanks for being interested anyway. i still have abandonment issues. but i've been genuinely happy.
pics will be up tomorrow i think.
ps: thanks for running in the rain with me to send me off, carrying my stuff even though you really werent supposed to (and i swear i didnt want you to!) at least i got in the cab. you couldve been dry and safe at where we were supposed to part (instead of drenching yourself and then having to run back home again in the rain). love you beyond all skies.
pps: future seems bleak, but still believe somehow the right door is yet to be opened. but its there. and i'll find it soon. hopefully monday has some good surprise. (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) |
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| yammie ♥ 1:29 AM
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| saturday |
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well. friday turned out to be total crap. from the moment i woke up till right now as i'm typing this (hitting saturday morning). no good news that i hoped for came to me. the whole day has been of complete nothing-ness. spent 12 hours in the living room reading and eating and watching mindnumbing tv (on and off).
which reminds me, i am at the last couple of chapters of Remember Me (yeahhhhhh i finally decided to buy it) so i had pretty much the entire day in solitude, except now and then mum talks to me asking me to translate for her the show she's watching (as usual), and me screaming at the 2 brats over their really really mindless mistakes in their homework.
have an early start today so should be off to bed soon, but i have a feeling i might finish off the book.
anyway yat went to see almost 3 hours worth of the infamous "tranny-in-action" after work
which also explains why my solitude lasted till friday ended. by 12 midnight i was drained, dried, and superfried.
ps: there's like a massive whirlpool in my head. hope my plan for sunday goes well since i cant go out today. i dont really like meeting him on sundays. i dont really like sundays at all. i dont think i like any day of the week. im in complete denial. i think im close to suicide.
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EDIT//
just received bad news in the email. this day is as bad as it gets |
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| yammie ♥ 12:53 AM
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| bits of colour |
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EDIT//
edwin:
lol.
he had 3 rounds of interviews with formul8. third one included a surprise test, they were given 4 hours to come up with 4 ads. SO SYIOK.
in the meantime, my day comprised of a series of fucked up travelling around the island for interviews and got lost 102850195 times, ended up in the hearts of industrial buildings with no proper entrances or exits (despite companies being rather well established), getting drenched in sweat for the first part of the day and then drenched in storm on the later half of the day, tore my new skirt, and pretty much a hell lot more.
it only got better when the whole house was asleep and played online games with yat and talked about all kinds of happier things.
ps: alhamdulillah, had a job offer today at an okay office, near a madrasah i used to go to to receive prizes (HEHHHEHHH), with a gd boss, with even better working hours. thinking twice about it though cause i actually have an interview with red cross tomorrow and i really want it!!! :S
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stop screaming. stop screaming. stop screaming.
PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!! |
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| yammie ♥ 12:33 AM
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