last night i laughed so hard (hardest one eversince a long time) till i cried i'm still high right now and i'm pretty sure i've been high for more than a week
also the night before, i was talking on the phone before going to bed and something miraculous happened whatever i heard, i'm not fully sure if it truly happened but ive an odd feeling it did and i think i've finally let It go i feel a strange sense of triumph, gladness a sudden, relieving freedom from a prolonged, constant ache like a clotted heart that finally got cleared and fixed. :)
unfortunately this isnt about the cause of my crash years ago this is more important, its what ive been kept in me for a while. simply looking past it and letting it stay there making me walk with a limp
i'm bidding goodbye to Hime (its about time!) whatever it's changed to has important reasons behind it lol anyway this is probably what they meant when they say life has just begun (this isnt a fugue, trust me) its like...an epiphany
ive got so many things i'm planning to do its gonna take a while and a quite a bit of effort BUT I CANNOT WAIT. *insert super huge smiley from ear to ear from wall to wall*
i'm happy.
And even if my house falls down now I wouldn't have a clue Because you're near me
And I want to thank you For giving me the best day of my life Oh, just to be with you Is like having the best day of my life
to s1: 1) looks like we need to change the header for our multiply site (cos no more H!) 2) challenge do supra poster!
when i was ill i used to love watching Girl Interrupted ..frequent enough to even have a favourite scene it had a sickly awesome feeling watching daisy's delusional recovery to finally succumb to the deadend and at the same time it marked suzanne's turning point and self determination for recovery when she returned to the hospital
When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.
god knows why i used to be so drawn to stuff like that maybe it was the ironically comforting feeling i got watching people being liberated from...feeling.
k anyway, i plucked tons of courage and finally went ahead for a graphic designer job. during the interview, the geek of a boss made it clear to me how outdated i have become. i feel sooooo old...and demoralized and obviously no good for the designer world (which, to be honest, isnt something that attracts me. not one bit. but, desperate times called for desperate measures). so ive decided that instead of sleeping and dreaming of food i might as well do some work of my own while hunting for a proper job.
anyway, i dont have much to say because i've nothing to comment on. hahahaha.
life's been very kind and despite some monster-moments, i've been happy. happy as in the 2007 happy. which naturally translates as : cant be any better. (patience and long wait has paid off) alhamdulillah!
i think i need to go for anger management course. its gone quite out of hand to a point that i dont even remember what is not-angry like when im angry, and it keeps escalating until i really wanna go out and shove a pitchfork down somebody's throat. and i keep very quiet that i scare myself because i could almost feel my blood running like hot magma underneath my skin, waiting for me to burst into flames.
i miss being..insipid. and tolerant.
i think i need to zikr more.
(ps: me being a monster doesnt mean that you didnt do anything wrong either)
Meredith (closing voiceover): Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work towards it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.
Derek: I wanna be with you forever, and you wanna be with me forever. In order to do that we need to make vows. A commitment. A contract. Give me a piece of paper. Meredith: I don't! I... I don't. I have Post-Its! Derek: Okay. What do we wanna promise each other? Meredith: That you'll love me... even when you hate me. Derek: To love each other, even when we hate each other. (writes it down) No running. Ever! Nobody walks out. No matter what happens. Meredith: No running. Derek: (writes it down) What else? Meredith: That we'll take care of each other, even when we're old, and smelly, and senile. And... if I get Alzheimer's and forget you... Derek: I will remind you who I am, every day. (writes) To take care when old, senile, and smelly. This is forever. (signs it)
i think i get angry quite often because i get delusional yat is a complete opposite and when he pulls me out i am pretty resistant and i spit back at him instead i dont think any of you can understand the above statement in its actual sense. even i found it hard to really understand until..last night.
i also think i have become this horrible throat slitting monster because of what happened in 2005 before, i was a disgustingly timid person its no wonder i was safe from a lot of things i guarded myself pretty well from everything and everyone, and retreat when it gets hard and cry rather than fight.
i do miss myself, but i dont think i could feel the happiness i feel now (despite relapses...im trying) if i had never met yat because he is the only not-complicated person ive ever met. although i get angry more and more often lately, possibly out of my own deliria, he's actually not that bad. in fact, he's the best ive ever had. (he also supports me when i want to kill people, evven when it includes him.) <3
i really like him.
ps: got something planned out for 44th! :} pps: hayl i havent really slept (real sleep) for 2 weeks... u should just borrow my eye bags to carry ur luggage to KL and u'll have enough space for a year's worth of storage.
today, i relived the day i sat for my social studies paper in 2002. the only difference was, today i managed to hold back the puking till i got home. most significant similarity was, i only had 45min left to do when i felt fair amount of strength to finally think and write (without turning purple).
all i'm hoping now is i dont flunk this paper (like how i did for humanities in 2002) because i studied my fucking ass off for this 3rd yr paper (like how i did for humanities in 2002)
tonight, i am a very happy girl. thank you for making me very, very happy. ♥
ps: to my 2nd sister:
HAPPY28th
BIRTHDAY!!!
sorry i didnt get you anything today. lets make next sunday really happen!!! :}
pps: im not gonna wish happy mother's day to my mum here unlike what most bloggers are doing. quite lame, esp since she doesnt read my blog (duh) hahahah. but happy mothers day to my sisters lol u guys are still non-motherly idiots in my eyes. <3
ppps: let me know if the happy birthday words appear messed up on your pc. (any of you who reads this)
Minister: And, now the couple will read their vows.
Izzie: Oh, we didn't write anything.
Alex: No, wait. I have something I wanna say. Today's the day my life begins. All my life I've been just me. Just a smart mouth kid. Today I become a man. Today I become a husband. Today I become accountable to someone other than myself. Today I become accountable to you. To our future. To all the possibilities that a marriage has to offer. Together, no matter what happens, I'll be ready. For anything. For everything. To take on life, to take on love. To take on possibility and responsibility. Today Izzie Stevens, our life together begins. And I for one can't wait.
it was like putting bandaid over a wound that was far too deep but im not gonna think about it anymore its all over, shackles off and i know all the shit wont tag along anymore after this i swear i dont know how i've survived. i dont care if the last chance was a major disaster i dont care if what happened tells me to just let everything go i dont care because its all over
the nightmare is over. i'll be alright.
i had a good time today, although i was thirsty all the time.
Baker's dustin dollin deck
Tensor trucks, Reds bearings and plain black wheels
i suddenly recalled this one time when yat and i went to northpoint i think, and i was at the ladies when 2 makciks (50ish age group) walked in. one was wearing this "hip" pair of shades with short, "wild" bronze hair, the other, i didnt notice cause she rushed straight into the cubicle. the bronze makcik didnt go into any cubicle she just waited for the other lady as she "did" her hair. They continued chatting when suddenly this short convo totally made me want to slip, fall, and roll on the floor laughing hard
Cubicled Makcik: Eh Kau ada pad tak?? (do u have a pad?)
Cubicled Makcik: Aku datang benda ni la! Leceh ah..(i have it. so troublesome.)
Bronze Makcik: (softly) Aku mana ada lagi... (I dont have it anymore.)
Cubicled Makcik: Ah??
Bronze Makcik: (SNAPS) AKU NI DA MENOPAUSE LAAA!! (nonchalantly adjusts her big frizzy hair and her shades. toilet was pretty dim btw.)
Cubicled Makcik: Oh. K takper. (ok its fine)
TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR OK.
i didnt know what to do i just ran out of the toilet with a red face and burst laughing as i told yat the story. we continued laughing loudly right outside the ladies (quite loud) then we ciao-ed. we laughed even harder when we bumped into them again a short while later. HAHAHA.
why are the photos so big? i cant seem to upload using the normal manual uploader cause the window for it will jam so im using their url uploader and now they're displaying my assface so...extravagantly.
what a good day with an even better ending celebrated 43rd with me hearty its like a jab of morphine during a prolonged, unbearable pain.
i also got to know a friend better today and i'm glad we kicked off well :} monday's finally here, i'm really hoping for some good news (please please please) !!
frm yat
yat: hope u like it. i put lots of sheep for u. i miss you
i cant help but laugh. thank you. i missed me too.
To make an amend is not just to apologize. It’s to make a thing right.
Mer: We cant undo our mistakes and we rarely forgive ourselves for them. Of course, "I'm sorry" doesnt always cut it. Maybe because we use it in so many different ways. As a weapon, as an excuse. But when we are really sorry, when we use it right, when we mean it, when our actions say what words never can, when we get it right, "I'm Sorry" is perfect. When we get it right, "I'm Sorry" is redemption.
