here's a last proper update.. had the best time of my life yesterday..and yes we cancelled the beach plan for the 129057206th time. we have only used the card once since we applied for it! and before we got it, we go to the beach almost every weekend! now its been almost 6months (i think)! this is all coffeebean's fault for taking away pure chocolate from their menu and replacing it with doublechoc (bitter). started the day doing something else that was more..fun. lol. anyway then we went shopping, ate heavenly creamchics pasta, chillout at starbucks, and the rest of the day was basically laughing till i teared and talking cock about every single thing that passed by. my bf is my homie <3>parents off to batam today for massive shopping so actually the plan was to have a quick meetup for late lunch..but i woke up with a racing heart, detaching limbs and excruciating hormonal tugofwar. took a long shower, tried to collect myself but eventually decided to cancel the plan when i realized i couldnt even move from my room to the kitchen. but eventually trudged over to make a hot drink, took my heavy pills that refused to work this time, and i couldnt even put sugar in my cup without splattering it all over because my whole body was shaking like i was some crackhead in rehab, and the world was spinning. i felt so bloody drugged and my stomach felt worse (like an overdose..not nice) and my hands and feet were completely numbed, i was sweating like a horse (do they sweat? im sure all animals do, right? haha) and finally gave up. pulled myself to my room and painfully collapsed to the floor, dialled my sister's number and managed to speak, asking her to come over (at this point i couldnt even see, i was shit close to blacking out and i couldnt even hold on to the phone, had to use speaker) and cried in unbearable pain after hanging up. called yat and he was supposed to go to the airport to send some relatives off but he cabbed over all the way from tampy. had about 7times of e throwing-up with my empty stomach in the living room (FREAKING AWFUL) and my eyes were already welled up with hot tears, my mouth was dry, i was rolling around for like 2 hours (pretty short this time) and it felt like my soul was at the tips of my fingers and toes. yat made me a glass of therapeutic tea and massaged my back successfully without me having squirmy spasms or giving him an upper-cut out of reflex (finally!). i also requested for more painkillers hahaha. some time later my sister arrived with lunch and some asam drink her maid did for me but...one look at it and i'd rather have another 3 hours worth of uterotubal war than to come 10m close to that stuff. but thanks hahaha

and it was really nice of her to go all the way to bpp and back to get something very important for me, before heading to her inlaws'. thank you :) and thanks me hearty for spending pretty much on cab fare travelling one end to another quite often lately. thanks for wanting to cook and all that stuff too hahaha <3

on other news, i dont know if what i'm doing is right. maybe its selfish but i'm not ending anything. i'm just..trying to clean up once and for all. keeping a lot of things at an arm's length and keeping all other emotions to my world and nothing beyond that. its like keeping all the water for a piece of land thats been so dried up for the last thousand years. theres a lot of work that needs to be done. its now or never..i need to start being kind to myself.

quote of the day:

you shouldnt mix your meds...you'll end up (like MJ), hooked on painkillers

-yat and my sister

definition of "senyum kambing"

<3

he puts a smile on my face and heart

taking a photo of yat in a suit is like taking a pic of a shooting star haha <3

ps: i love you my darling

pps: school starts tomorrow :(

ppps: will update this post with the blog addr once i've confirmed the move to tumblr.